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101 of the World’s Funniest One Liners


5.0 (7 reviews)

A tract using humor to springboard into the gospel.

Buy 4 packs for $10.00 each and save 17%
Buy 10 packs for $9.00 each and save 25%
SKU 265 Category



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101 of the World’s Funniest One Liners

1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Borrow money from a pessimist — they don’t expect it back.
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
5. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
6. Never answer an anonymous letter.
7. It’s lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
8. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
9. Always go to other people’s funerals, or they won’t go to yours.
10. Few women admit their age; few men act it.
11. If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
12. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
14. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of “Smart”?
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.
17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.
20. Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
21. Nuke the Whales.
22. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
26. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
29. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
30. You can’t have everything; where would you put it?
31. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
32. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

Editorial: Probably the most thought-provoking one-liner is “Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.” It’s sad but true — no matter what you do, you will die. This is because you have sinned against God. Let’s see if that’s true: Have you ever lied (even once)? Ever stolen (anything)? Jesus said, “Whoever looks upon a woman to lust after her, has committed adultery already with her in his heart.” Ever looked with lust? If you have said “Yes” to these three questions, by your own admission, you are a lying, thieving, adulterer at heart; and we’ve only looked at three of the Ten Commandments. How will you do on Judgment Day? Will you be innocent or guilty? You know that you will be guilty, and end up in Hell. That’s not God’s will. He provided a way for you to be forgiven. He sent His Son to take your punishment: “God commended His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Jesus then rose from the dead and defeated death. God promises everlasting life to all those who confess and forsake their sins, and trust in Jesus Christ. Please do that today . . . you may not have tomorrow. See John 14:21 for a wonderful promise. Then read the Bible daily and obey what you read. God will never let you down.

33. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
34. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
35. Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
36. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
37. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
38. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
39. My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
40. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
41. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
42. I’ve only been wrong once, and that’s when I thought I was wrong.
43. God made mankind. Sin made him evil.
44. I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.
45. I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.
46. Don’t steal. The government hates competition.
47. Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
48. National Atheist’s Day April 1st.
49. All generalizations are false.
50. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
51. Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
52. If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.
53. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
54. IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.
55. I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
56. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.
57. I can handle pain until it hurts.
58. No matter where you go, you’re there.
59. If everything is coming your way, then you’re in the wrong lane.
60. It’s been Monday all week.
61. Gravity always gets me down.
62. This statement is false.
63. Eschew obfuscation.
64. They told me I was gullible…and I believed them.
65. It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
66. According to my best recollection, I don’t remember.
67. The word “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary.
68. Honk if you like peace and quiet.
69. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.
70. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
71. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
72. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
73. A day without sunshine is like, night.
74. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
75. Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
76. Gravity: It’s not just a good idea, it’s the LAW!
77. Life is too complicated in the morning.
78. We are all part of the ultimate statistic — ten out of ten die.
79. Nobody’s perfect. I’m a nobody.
80. Ask me about my vow of silence.
81. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
82. The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
83. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
84. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
85. If at first you don’t succeed, don’t try skydiving.
86. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
87. Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
88. I intend to live forever. So far so good.
89. Who is “General Failure” and why is he reading my hard disk?
90. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
91. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
92. Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
93. I didn’t use to finish sentences, but now I
94. I’ve had amnesia as long as I can remember.
95. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
96. Vacation begins when Dad says, “I know a short cut.”
97. Evolution: True science fiction.
98. What’s another word for “thesaurus”?
99. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
100. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
101. I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.
. . . Don’t forget to read the editorial!

Additional information

Per Pack

100 tracts

7 reviews for 101 of the World’s Funniest One Liners

  1. Rick

    I love giving out these tracts. All of the one liners are humorous and many are “laugh out loud” funny. It’s definitely a great way to give people a boost while sharing the Gospel message with them. And in no way do the one-liners dilute or take away from the Gospel message. Looking forward to ordering more!

  2. Scott Gustafson (verified owner)

    I have often given these out when I leave a tip at a restaurant. I have had servers come back and thank me for giving them this booklet. I am ordering more copies of this tract today. These pamphlets are very easy to hand out, even for a shy Minnesota guy like me.

  3. Bill

    This is an excellent tract. People will take it do read it. They may keep it and read the “Editorial.” I am ordering more because my first 100 went very fast.

  4. Thomas (verified owner)

    By FAR the easiest Gospel Tract to hand out. There are 101 hilarious one liners and you can share this with anyone who knows how to read (and appreciates a good joke). The Gospel message is smack dab in the middle of the tract. Great if you are a dude who wants to witness to another dude without seeming “too spiritual” and stuff. Great way to break the ice for conversations to take place.

  5. Arlene

    I sell on Mercari (TheNewJMall) and Poshmark (funkyhulagirl) to supplement my Social Security, and I wanted tracts to enclose with my orders. I was hesitant to do so, given the negative reaction that so many have towards Christianity these days. In fact, I participate in several Facebook groups for online sellers, and some people expressed their displeasure about receiving a tract in their package; some even went so far as to leave the seller a negative feedback. One person posted a picture of the tracts he had received; one was titled “How to Become a Christian.” Frankly, I didn’t see the point of that – it’s like asking someone to marry you before they get to know anything about you.

    As a Watchman on the Wall it’s obvious to me that the Lord’s return is very, very close. Not only that, but every day many nice people who try to do what’s right but just don’t know the Lord are dying and going to hell. So – I prayed about it, and came across the Living Waters tracts. I ordered both “Instant Gratification” and “101 of the Best One Liners,” and began to slip one inside each package I mail out. It took a while for me to work up the courage to look at my feedback and see what my customers had to say about them (if anything), but when I did I was absolutely amazed! Yes, they appreciated the nice items I sell, and the pretty packaging, but one person after another actually THANKED me specifically for the tract! I couldn’t believe it; some even said they were going to share it with their kids or friends. Now, I don’t know if they took the gospel message to heart or not, but the seeds have been planted, they obviously didn’t toss the tracts but kept them, and I do keep them in prayer.

    I also hand them out to people I meet, especially those who look sad or frustrated or angry, and tell them, “Here’s something to make you smile.” So far, no one has refused to accept them.

    These tracts are great; I think they’re more effective than the “in your face” ones (I suspect few bother to read them), and although I’ve been using Chick tracts for years, they’ve gotten too expensive to give out indiscriminately. These fit the bill perfectly; I just ordered some more.

    There’s one thing you need to be aware of, and that almost turned me off from ordering these. If you order the tracts through the website and are getting more than a package or two, the amount of postage that comes up is ridiculously high. I just couldn’t afford to pay that. but discovered that if you call Living Waters and place your order with one of the nice people who work the phones, the postage is much less. I paid a little over $8 for my last order of four packages.

    Time is running out – Jesus is at the door – don’t hesitate to order these!

  6. wretechedgeisler

    THESE TRACTS are SERIOUSLY EASY to hand out, leave around, give to, put in cards, etc. They’re funny, cool and a very CLEAR Gosepl message. I LOVE LOVE LOVE these a lot and I need a LOT more. I ran out of these so fast!!! lol.

  7. stronglightgiver

    Love this one because it gets people to relax and chuckle.

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